||[30 Jun 2003|09:12pm]
I try to write something beautiful, something meaningful, but all taht ever comes out is a jumbled mass, a clump of methaphores and figurative phrases that you look past. You never did look deep enough to understand; behind your eyes, I can see in your mind the wasted ways in which it always went, like these hot, lonely summer nights when you're too far away for me to catch you, and I'm suffocating, dying to feel you breathe. In. Out. In. Out. the words run through my mind as I remind myself I have to breathe once in a while; I forget sometimes as I pass the days counting the seconds since the last... everything.
||[16 Jun 2003|11:16pm]
I am faded, like your grandmother's black and white photographs. There isn't much here that once existed; just a flash of a memory that all seems long forgotten by now. My memory was lost with the rain that ruined your shoes, and the peroxide in your hair that sent your mother up a wall. Folding socks can provide only so much comfort before it all begins to settle in, and the pounding silence gets so loud I start to lose sleep. My dreams have been replaced with tired nights and a loss of something more, but I haven't figured out what just yet. My vacation from life got canceled in two seconds flat, so now I seek comfort on the floor, but I'm too tired to lie here, but too tired to move.
||[31 May 2003|06:58pm]
They say that summer's coming but I know that winter never leaves your heart for more than the five minutes of brief dazing you go into once in a while. We tear down our walls looking for something that was never there to fill some gaping hole in your sanity, but when we rip the house apart there's nothing more than a mess blocking a room without a view.
||[09 May 2003|02:41pm]
windy horns win the race.
it's raing on your inside.
I found it in the bag.
||[02 May 2003|04:16pm]
the conspirators are working once again
to take what was never rightfully ours but we
claim it belongs to us anyway
as the madman in the corner gets a
grip on our sanity
(or seeming lack thereof)
as oversimplified mind games become an
all-too common sight
in the world of sketchy drama and the
overabusive drug-users catch on
to the idea of lying to cover their tracks
when no one else in the world thinks to
question the way in which we live
while they carefully sweep the broken pieces of time
under the rug.
||[01 May 2003|09:01pm]
rattles off on the telephone
while I'm still sitting here
listening to a buzzing
something about how
your brother stole the car last night
just your socks didn't match
but then there's another ringing
as I start talking to myself
and your left wondering when my mind
went out the window
and why this
daze has lasted fifteen weeks
but it's just your voice
and then I realize
is the best thing I've heard
in five years.
||[01 May 2003|08:53pm]
funny things used to pop into my head.
like the time the trash got
launched out my second-story window --
and the parents never noticed.
but now those funny things..
a zombielike state
and a raging boredom
stole my creativity;
melted to the floor
in a hot pile of wax
(like if you burned down the wax museum..
but not quite.)
steaming from frustration
that built up since '95.
i try too hard to satisfy --
even if it's only myself --
but i'm just left falling out of bed
with a little less than significant help at
and the option of getting helped up never happens
cause you just leave me there
alone on the floor.
|Couple of sonnets written for my boyfriend...
||[21 Feb 2003|05:07pm]
Life was a battle against depression,
I could find nothing of meaning to me.
But now I reveal a great confession,
The best anti-depressant comes for free.
Something that seems to come so natural,
I endlessly spent time trying to find.
Apparently not natural to all,
Now that it is mine, I have peace of mind.
My life now has beautiful meaning,
A meaning I feel compelled to share.
All it took was a lil’ bit of searching.
I no longer have to look everywhere.
Love is what makes life amazingly grand,
It must be experienced hand in hand.
You awaken the life inside of me,
You are the only thing that makes me feel.
With you there is a new world that I see,
I have found that happiness can be real.
These silly words do no justice to you,
The most magnificent thing I've ever seen.
My heart is no longer an icy blue.
This is the happiest I've ever been.
Tell me you can feel this great connection.
Tell me these feelings surround you as well.
You are my own cure for my depression,
Before you there was everlasting hell.
I swear on all I can, it's true;
As I profess to the world, I love you.